


i picture it soft and i ache

by mcswoonfor_mcdoon



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, F/M, Hurt/No Comfort, M/M, Minor Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, based off of Strawberry Blond by Mitski, blood mention, im sorry :((, this is kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24586423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcswoonfor_mcdoon/pseuds/mcswoonfor_mcdoon
Summary: “Flowers bloom and rot, the sun warms and cools, and you’re still on my mind.... I will die for you, with you, because of you; and you will be the last thing I see,”Nico is not her. He knows this. But he cannot help but wish he was.
Relationships: Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson, Percy Jackson/Nico di Angelo
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	i picture it soft and i ache

**Author's Note:**

> tw:  
> • it is not explicitly mentioned, but it is implicated that Nico has suicidal thoughts and tendencies (such as self harm; though, again, it is not specifically mentioned)  
> •mentions of blood and death 
> 
> stay safe all!!
> 
> hello all!! instead of working on any one of my multi-chaptered fics, I wrote this kinda sad one shot abt unrequited love. because that’s just how it be sometimes. this work is based off of Strawberry Blond by Mitski, so I suggest you listen to that while reading! I hope you all enjoy :))

_ “Well, we better get going.”  _

You know, I’ve thought about this, long and hard. For hours, months, years— time bleeds together when I think of you. Flowers bloom and rot, the sun warms and cools, and you’re still on my mind. You’re the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I can’t go to bed at night— and God, what I would give to be that for you. 

_ “Yeah,” Nico agrees. He doesn’t make a move to stand.  _

I think about you, about how lucky I am to know you. To really know you; to know how your laugh sounds after I cracked a good joke, how you smile softly at your brother and sister. I know what you look like groggy at four in the morning, I know how you look wide awake at six at night. I know  _ you,  _ your deepest desires, your secrets, every crevice of your mind. And I want it. I want it all. 

_ Percy rolls from his lying position, getting up slowly and walking a few steps. Nico fingers at the grass beneath him, staring at the flattened blades where Percy had been laying. Percy pauses, turning to look over his shoulder. He smiles, and Nico is blinded. “Aren’t you coming?” Nico hums im agreement.  _

_ “Yeah. Yeah, I’m coming, just give me a sec.”  _

You’re the reason I’m okay now. After my family— I thought I could never love again. But you were there; you were there and you held me through the bad days and you made me smile and made me open up. You made me  _ okay,  _ and maybe that’s a lot to put on a person, this gratification, this  _ thankfulness _ that consumes me every time I see you. Because I have you on a pedestal; and maybe that’s not healthy, and not okay, but I can’t help it. 

_ Percy’s hand is out the window, and he’s laughing, head back. His smile is contagious, and Nico smiles gently because of it. A song is playing from the radio, low and fuzzy in the background. They zoom by strawberry fields on their way back to Percy’s home.  _

_ “Do you remember Annabeth?” Percy asks, and Nico nods. The sun is warm against his skin, and Percy smells like salt water and sandalwood soap. Nico is tempted to close his eyes; he doesn’t want this to end. Percy kicks his feet onto the dash. “I… well, I think I love her,” Percy admits shyly. It suddenly seems colder— Nico feels like he’s going to throw up. His chest clenches, he feels a sting in his eyes and cotton in his throat. Nico smiles at Percy.  _

_ Nothing outwardly had changed, but Nico felt like everything was different. He turned towards the road once more, and did not look away again.  _

There is nothing I know more firmly than the fact that I am in love with you. I need no further proof than the way my stomach lurches when you put a hand on my shoulder, or the way my face heats under your stare. I am in love with your eyes, your hair, your grin, your brain, your heart. Your body and soul have settled themselves into my own, and no matter how much I try I can not get you out. And it hurts; it hurts so bad because I see you with her, yet I can not hate her. She’s not in the wrong. Neither are you, really; I did this to myself. I let myself trust again; I let myself love again. 

And now I want more than you can give; I want your mind, body, and soul. I want to live a life with you; a future that once seemed so close now so far. I want your hands on my skin, I want your words in my head, I want your eyes on mine. I want more, I want the world, I want the sun, and the clouds, and the sky, and the stars; I want everything. I want you. 

_ Nico watched the flowing leaves intently, trying to ignore how Percy tucks a piece of strawberry blonde hair behind Annabeth's ear. They smile at each other, sickeningly sweet, dripping in sugar and cinnamon. Everyone is here; it’s a picnic during summer. Nico sits beneath a tree on a hill, the scent of ripe strawberries thick around him from the rolling fields. He closes his eyes and leans back against the tree.  _

_ Once, he and Percy had laid in the grass here. Percy had left a squashed bed of grass and wild flowers in his shape when he stood. Once, Percy had yelled for Nico to hurry up, and Nico had smiled because his name on Percy’s tongue was like heaven on Earth. Once, Percy had smelled of sea salt and sandalwood.  _

_ Now the scent of lemon shampoo encases him like a claiming mark.  _

I knew you would never be mine. I knew by the way you looked at girls with strawberry blonde hair, girls with frizz free curls. The way you ranted about the scent of thick citrus perfumes, the way you talked of soft curves and gentle angles. I could never be that for you; my dark untamed hair, pomegranate and peppermint body wash, my harsh edges, in more ways than one. I am not soft. My hands are rough and calloused, and my skin is far from smooth and creamy. I am not what you want, but I hoped anyway. 

When you told me about the first time you laid with her, I cried. You pretended not to notice. 

_ Nico’s skin buzzes like a hoard of bees. He wants to scream, wants to cry out “Don’t you hear it? Don’t you hear me? Don’t you see me?!”  _

_ Instead, Nico sobs brokenly. For he’s alone again, just as he was before Percy had befriended him. He is alone, and he is scared of the shadows that draw near him, draw him in with dirtied whispers and promises of a better life.  _

I can feel the shaking through my body. I can feel the stuttering of my lungs; and I am tired. I am so tired; and I watch as the pedestal simultaneously breaks down and builds higher. For you are no hero; you are just a man. And yet I can not escape you. You grow higher; look over me like a menace; I am going to be killed by you, one day. I am going to bleed out under your stare; I am going to go limp beneath your body, eyes trained on your own, because I want to drown in you before I go. 

Yes. I will die for you, with you, because of you; and you will be the last thing I see, because Fate is funny like that. Fate chuckles at her own jokes as we scratch at the cages made for us by her hand; Fate will laugh as blood drips thick from my tongue. Fate will laugh as you kill me. And I will laugh with her. 

_ “Nico,” Percy smiles. “Can you help me with tuxedo shopping for prom— your sense of style is way better than mine! I know whatever you pick will be perfect!”  _

_ Nico’s stomach should not swoop from that comment.  _

I suffocate on the scent of lemon and drown on the taste of iron. She surrounds you, her lips leave marks on your skin, her nails leave dents in your hair, and your clothes smell like artificial flowers instead of Tide. You and her share a body. You and her are one. You and her have what I wanted; what you wanted once. I haven’t talked to you alone in months. 

Alone alone alone alone. Alone and afraid, so very afraid; because I am scared of the dark, and suddenly darkness is all I see. 

_ Percy, Percy, Percy. Percy, Percy, Percy.  _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! don’t be afraid to leave comments of kudos :)


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